Now Thomas, one of the twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." But he said to them, "Unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and place my finger in the mark of the nails, and place my hand in his side, I will not believe." Eight days later, his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. The doors were shut, but Jesus came and stood among them, and said, "Peace be with you." Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side; do not be faithless, but believing." Thomas answered him, "My Lord and my God!" Jesus said to him, "Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." (St. John 20.24-29 RSV)Sometimes we fail to see the beauty behind our doubts and uncertainties. We can’t see how God is in our circumstances; what lesson is he trying to teach us? Why is everything falling part around me? Why, why, why? I suppose that’s a question I am asking Almighty God, right now, at this very moment.
Hear what the Spirit is saying to the Church.
Thanks be to God.
Now, don’t be mistaken: I am not, I repeat, I am not a depressed, forlorn character. For clarification, I suppose you could call me crushed and shattered, a character perhaps, but certainly not a maniac in need of psychological help or happy-happy-joy-joy pills. These past few weeks, I have not only been burdened with my own concerns and worries, but also that of my family. It’s heartbreaking to know that until recently, you were once firmly established on all your hopes and dreams, and now, you are desperately holding on to a ledge whilst gravity tries to drag you down.
So where are you, God?
I’ve probably exhausted the Blessed Virgin and all the saints above, who stand before the throne of Christ, pleading he would answer my prayers so that I could shut up. I have prayed my rosary, lighted candles, kissed a relic, reminded God of his promises written in scripture, and what have you. Call it assurance, but I have done my best to secure an answer, or even a miracle.
The title of this entry is a line from the poem Love at First Sight, by the Nobel Prize winning Polish poet, Wislawa Szymborska, who is one of my favourite poets.
“Beautiful is such a certainty,But how, tell me how, can uncertainty be beautiful? St. Thomas, in the gospel citation, says, “Unless I see in his hands the print of the nails, and place my finger in the mark of the nails, and place my hand in his side, I will not believe”. Forgive me, Lord, but I can’t see you in this storm.
but uncertainty is more beautiful.”
You would probably give me two answers:
-that it’s okay to doubt, and that God will soon reveal himself to me in my circumstances, and I shall exclaim “My Lord and my God!” as St. Thomas did; orThe first answer is appealing to my circumstances. The second answer is for me, an extraordinary feat.
-that I should “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight”. (Proverbs 3.5-6)
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11.1 NKJV) Faith indeed, is what I struggle with, but I know it is the fuel God uses for hope. It is difficult to have faith and place your trust in a God who cannot be readily seen through physical eyes.
However, I do know I can see him. He is there present though his Word, and in the Creation; and through the Blessed Sacrament, he assures us of our blessed hope. Yet I sometimes refuse to acknowledge, that somehow in the cosmic backstage, the set for the next scene is trying to get on stage, but I won’t let this happen because I AM still on the stage, and won’t GET OFF the stage unless the next scene features me, and only me. I could be a bit of a diva, won’t you say?
Miracles do not happen on our terms, but God’s terms. You have to open your eyes and see his word at hand. I can understand why uncertainty is beautiful; it’s because God will manifest his glory and power by making it beautiful, according to his own plan. “He has made everything beautiful in its time; also he has put eternity into man's mind, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.” (Ecclesiastes 3.11 RSV)
Believe me, I am trying to have faith, I am trying to the utmost of my power to trust. Faith indeed is a gift, but my faith, since I was confirmed by a bishop, has begun to wither. Wow, whatever happened to the wellsprings of faith I once had, even as a child? I’m truly scared, and I hope you won’t judge me, especially if you are a seasoned Christian (as I pridefully thought I was), who ‘walks by faith and not by sight’. (2 Corinthians 5.7) I just need your prayers during this time, or as St. John of the Cross called it, the ‘dark night of the soul’.
Indeed, it is a dark night. Right now is my Holy Saturday, when I feel like Jesus is in the tomb. It must have been heavy to roll that stone away, just as it is to cast off this feeling of heaviness and weariness. Yet, dear God, when, O when will my Easter come?
A word of thanks: I would like to thank the Rev'd Fr. Robert Laws for being a shoulder to cry on, Roxanne for baking me cookies, and Shazia for coming to see me. Thank you for your support.
Before I go, an apology. Please forgive me, if I’ve ignored your phone calls, your e-mails, or if I have blocked you on messenger. It wasn’t my intent to give you the cold shoulder. I needed my space, and if you were in the same position, I’m sure you would have wanted to be alone too. I apologise, and I hope to have your prayers.
I’d like to end with the last line from Love at First Sight:
Every beginningIf you could indulge me, please pray with me.
is but a continuation,
and the book of events
is never more than half open.
O God, by whom the meek are guided in judgment,
and light rises up in darkness for the godly:
Grant us, in all our doubts and uncertainties,
the grace to ask what you would have us do,
that the Spirit of wisdom
may save us from all false choices,
and that in your light we may see light,
and in your straight path may not stumble;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.
cf BCP page 832, "For Guidance"