The words I never got a chance to say to you

It seems as if you found me, and the prayers I have been posting up about you. How you found me, I don’t know, but I choose to believe that perhaps it is the Holy Spirit who wants us to address this, so we could move on or choose a better way. I don’t think it is mere coincidence, but then again, much of what has happened to us isn’t just mere coincidence. What worries me, because I know you are a very panicky person, is that you think I have been following you around. And actually, that was the thing that drove us apart: Your fear, panic, defensiveness, and anxiety. Do you think I could ever retaliate against you? And there are no ulterior motives. Aside from that, I could never talk things out with you, because you were so defensive. And it hurt me because whenever I tried to explain things, you'd always bat me down. In fact, whenever I tried to extend myself to you in kindness, you'd bat me away.

I could say that I never imagined my trip to South Africa would turn out me one of the most demoralizing and confusing experiences that I have ever gone through in my life. But no, I choose to believe that what happened is an opportunity for Christ’s redemption. I have cried enough and pleaded with God that somehow I could have peace of mind and that he would make this beautiful. All I can do now is trust God.

I parted ways with you because I saw that I was only pandering to your fear and anxiety, and it hurt me that you were hurting, and I didn’t know why. I felt like I was more of an enemy than a friend, and because I loved and cared for you so much, I thought that the only way I put things at rest was to let you go to live your life, and do what you had to do. But you did not give me the privilege I asked for. I wanted to bow out gracefully so I could walk away with my head held high. That’s all I wanted: A graceful exit. I figured that things would be alright in a few months, and we could put past grievances aside and be friends again. Yet you did not let me go with dignity. Did you not think I wouldn’t find out about the hurtful things you said on your Facebook updates? We have mutual friends. When you said that it takes more than a language to have the heart of an African? It felt like a sword had pierced my heart. And the hurtful things you said about Americans only exposed your prejudices and xenophobia, and hurt me because I opened my heart fully to your country and to your people, only to have the door slammed in my face. The thing is, you never saw past the fact that I am an American. You never saw me for who I am. All you saw was how foreign I was, but I did everything to stress our common humanity. And there I was, knocking on the door of your heart, and stunned that suddenly I was talking to a stone. I never saw you as being White or South African. I saw you for you, as someone lives and breathes, and has a heart that beats and yearns to love and be loved.

I have felt as if I had become portrayed as the American seductress, or the painted Jezebel contending against the Prophet Elijah. To borrow a Roman Catholic theological term, it felt as if I became your ‘sign of contradiction’. Suddenly, I was portrayed as a demonic figure sent from the fiery pits of hell. It was so dehumanizing, and you know I’m not satanic. If you think I am against your vocation, then you think wrongly. Although I may have my reservations, I will always support your ministry. I was, am not, and never will be your enemy. I did not come to South Africa to fight a holy war. The worst thing was when someone I cared for deeply, someone whom I treated as an uncle, accused me of something so terrible that I did not do. He accused me of a terrible crime that both you and I know I did not nor have the capability to commit. That tore my heart to pieces, and I felt the only way I could put everything at rest was through my death. And he wants me dead. I felt as if my death would bring peace to everyone, would calm your fears and satiate your anger, and would put an end to my misery and to yours. I was willing to do anything to make everyone happy. It felt like the village had dragged me out to burn me for being a witch. But you believed the myth, and I am here now to speak the truth. I am not you think I am. Why are you blind to that? Is it so easy to scapegoat and slander a foreigner because he is not a South African? Because he is radically different in lifestyle, appearance, and mindset? And when he is now far away, to say terrible things without fear of the truth being exposed?

Yes, I still love you, although it breaks my heart to say that. And I thought leaving you would make you the happiest person, and would enable you to continue in your work and ministry. I knew it was so important to you, and that you were willing to guard that call with your life. And so I left, to support you from the sides, hoping and praying that your dreams come true. All I wanted was that you would be happy. What will make you happy? Thing is, you could never make your own decisions, and I saw that, with you literally burying yourself in SMSing. I can only assume that you will soon consult your council of friends about this. What the question is, what do you want? Not your friends, or what duty demands of you. What do you want? What does your heart say to you? You are a man, and you can made decisions for yourself. Whatever you decide, I will respect. And you don't have to choose one or the other. You can have both.

I will admit that there are things I have said in hurt and anger, but it was never meant to hurt you. And if you are hurt because of that, then I am sorry, and I ask that you would forgive me. But you are equally as guilty as I am in telling your friends about me. For that I forgive you, wholeheartedly. Honestly, I needed to talk to someone, because I was hurting inside, and I understood that you were hurting inside too. I couldn't suffer through this alone. Can you blame me? I can’t blame you. We have hurt each other, and I only ask that we walk together in forgiveness and God’s peace.

I now say this from the bottom of my heart, knowing that these are the words that can restore peace. I forgive you, I have always loved you, and I am sorry. I pray with the utmost of my power that you will see the sincerity and purity of my heart. I have a new life now, and you are pressing on toward yours. I pray that you know that am encouraging you on, and hoping that every dream of yours will be fulfilled. God bless you, and may he smile on you. God will make this beautiful in his time. Please think of me kindly, as I only think of you with the utmost compassion, love, and tenderness. Let this be the first step toward reconciliation. You are an amazing person- never forget that. And never forget that you have my forgiveness, love, encouragement, and tender affection. I know it will take time for both us to trust each other again, but I pray that we will press on toward full restoration one day. Let this be our felix culpa, that merits for us so great a redeemer.

Holy Spirit, please, please send us your comfort and consolation at this time. We sorely need you. Let there be peace and tenderness between us. I'm so tired. Help us now.

I end with Michael Arden's "Not afraid" from his musical Easter Rising. I await word from you.



When I wake up in the early light of morning,
and I see your shining face here next to mine.
When seaguls make their noise,
and wake the boys who have been sleeping,
and the sun out on the ocean starts to shine.

I will finally know the fealing,
I will finally breathe the joy of the words
that I've been to affraid to tell you,
of the questions that have spun inside my heart,
for the boy who somehow found a way
to turn the night into the day,
this is how I'll start:

I am not afraid to love you,
I've been practicing the words;
I am not afraid to say them loudly,
so anyone can hear, so anyone can hear.
I am not afraid to hold you,
now you're sleeping at my side,
I am not afraid to sing it to the heavens,
to the rising tide.

I am not afraid to love you,
now I've said it loud and clear,
I am not afraid to learn to walk into the water
now that you are here.

For the man who occupies my thoughts

Dear God,

I pray for this man who remains in my heart and affection, although we are apart. I entrust him to you. Strengthen him and bless him at this time, when he sorely needs you. Surround him with your love and grace, as I am so far from him. Be present with him as he journeys toward the priesthood, and grant him every success. O God, I ask you to make him a good priest. Lavishly pour out your quickening and vivifying Holy Spirit upon him at his ordination. May you speak through him, and may you be present in his administration of the sacraments. My God, you have never failed me. Please take care of him, and give me the spirit of prayer so that I may intercede for him. Protect him, and bless him. Do not let him fall into despair. Comfort him, and give him determination, courage, and dedication to your will. I ask all this through Christ my Lord. Amen.

Lord, may the flame of hope, love, and life which burns in his heart never go out. May it shine brighter and brighter, to illuminate all who are in the darkness of misery, hatred, and death. Amen.

All you saints of God, pray for him and guard him with your intercession. Amen.

Detach me from my ego, O Lord

God my loving Father,

I empty myself before you. Deliver me from the fear of being misunderstood, misinterpreted, humiliated, slandered, mocked, falsely accused, persecuted, betrayed, or hurt. Deliver me from the want of being noticed, of being praised, or being acclaimed. Break down my pride, my self-vanity, and my vainglory. Make me humble, counting the pain only as joy and as a sharing in the sufferings of Christ. Help me to feel nothing but compassion, understanding, and self-giving love for those who may desire to hurt me. I entrust them to you, beseeching you to pour out your grace upon them and to replenish them with your nurturing Spirit. Bless them.

Creator of every pure and noble thought, reveal to my my truest self, and restore to me my integrity and honesty. Purify my motives and intentions that all I do may only reflect your divinity in my humanity. Help me to recognize your grace in every moment and in every situation. Forgive me for the times when the illusion of my ego has spoken in anger, resentment, or in pride and so hurt others. Most of all, I ask you, Lord, to keep my mouth shut, and to grant me the gift of holy silence, that I may be still and know you are God. I beseech you now from the bottom of my heart, pleading Christ's merits, to redeem this. You alone are my salvation. All this I ask through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

Lord, I am willing to suffer in order to learn how to love beyond the hatred of others, and to expose their prejudices, their insecurities, and their fears. I offer myself to you as the sacrificial lamb. Amen.

Saint Dominic, pray for me.
Holy Mother of God, pray for me.

Falsely accused

O God, I think I stand accused of something terrible I did not do. Defend me now for I am innocent. Save me from their vengeance, O God of my ancestors. Help me. Let the truth come out. Amen.

Saint Dominic, patron of the falsely accused, pray for me and guard me with your intercession. Amen.

Redeem this, my God, I beseech you

God my loving Father,

All I can do now is mumble with my words, and hold out my wounded heart and my broken spirit to you. God, this has become a mess, and I feel absolutely helpless. But you alone are my salvation, and my strength. Lord, I parted ways with him to give him peace and to allow myself time to heal, but it seems that it has make things only worse. He has accused me of gossiping against him, when reality, two of his friends only meant to console me in my distress. I have spoken no ill against him, but only showed compassion and understanding toward him. Now he has turned my friends against me, and I have no one to show me any kindness. He has portrayed me as something I'm not, and I can only feel dehumanized by this onslaught. Lord, I have been robbed of the dignity you gave me, and I am hurt. Please, help me. Lord, you are my only refuge.

O God, do not turn your face from me. Give me the strength to walk before those who wish me ill with dignity and composure. I beseech you, my Father, stand with me and give me the courage, compassion, and determination to live in Christ's promise of life in all its fullness. I feel so vulnerable, protect me from those who wish me ill. Bless them, O God, and may I only show compassion toward them. Defend me, and correct their misunderstandings.

Though it may seem impossible, God, I ask you to redeem this. You make order out of chaos: Make this beautiful. Lord, I place this in your hands. Do with it as you will. I entrust them to you, and hold them in your love.

Please, God, fix this. I'm so tired.

All this I ask through Jesus Christ my Lord. Amen.

Tonight I saw a man die...

I was late for the bus tonight as I got off work, so I went for a walk around the perimeter of the Great Mall whilst waiting for the next Bus 70. A crowd had gathered around the parking garage, and curious, I tiptoed through the swarm to see what was going on. A young man, obviously shot, was curled on the asphalt drifting between life and death. I could see that he was horrified, frightened, and astounded that yes, he was going to die this very night, in front of all these people. He was aware that he was going to die when he clearly did not want to die. I could only fathom the pain he felt knowing that his last few moments on this earth would be spent bleeding to death in front of strangers instead of being surrounded by the love and warmth of his family.

I felt for this man, and I could only feel compassion for him. It broke my heart to know that among the crowd there was not a loving face to look to, or least a familiar face to focus on. If only I could, I would have held his hand and reassured him that everything would be alright. Somehow, I felt my spirit prompting me (to borrow a Pentecostal term) to say something. My heart wanted to reach out to him and yell over the murmuring crowd, “You are God’s beloved child. He loves you, and embraces you now. He welcomes you home.”

And I didn’t say a word. I DID NOT SAY A WORD. I just stood there like the rest of that heartless crowd. I let that man die without knowing he was loved by God, and that it wasn’t God’s will that he should die like this without somebody caring. I failed my God, and I feel guilty. So fucking guilty over it. How could I let him die like that? How could I let this broken figure, this icon of the Crucified Christ, feel alone in his final moments? I could have said something over the crowd, but no, I just waited for him to breathe his final breath. After the medics pronounced him dead, it was only then that I said a prayer of commendation.

What also pained me was that I knew this young man wasn’t a crime statistic in the San Francisco Bay Area, but that this man was a living human being – the image of God – who loved, felt, and had dreams. To know that his man had possibilities and such potential, then to be turned into worm food within hours just devastated me. He will never realize his dreams, he will never marry, he will never walk his daughter down the aisle, and he will never spend the last of his days tending his own vine or resting under his own fig tree. This man could have been a Supreme Court justice, my child’s schoolteacher, or even the very person who may discover the cure to AIDS.

Tonight, I mourn this possible agent of God’s redemptive grace and creative power in the world. It makes me think, by God, that could have been me, or that could be me tomorrow. Have I lived every moment to the fullest? I must live in the present. The past has no hold over the present, and tomorrow may not be mine. Therefore I choose to live in Christ’s promise of life, and to have it in all its fullness.

Dear God, I’m so sorry. I let that man die without knowing that you loved him, and that he was your beloved child. I failed to show your love, and I stood there with that gawking crowd waiting for him to die. I did not tell him that you did not want this terrible thing to happen to him. I let him lie there feeling abandoned by you, his loving Creator and Redeemer. I did not reassure him that you cared. I’m so sorry. In his final moments, I failed to be your agent of love and grace. God, please forgive me. Please. I lacked the courage to do it. I’m so sorry.

That one chance at love

Even though it hurts, I have always followed my heart. Love has brought me here to this country full of dreams and aspirations. Here, on the sacred soil on which our first ancestors walked, I met the man who captured my heart, and who still holds me in his possession. I don't regret meeting him, because I courageously took my chance - that risk, that opportunity, that glimmer - to partake in something so radically profound, passionate, and meaningful. Love and hope can bring us to some of the farthest places on Earth, and sometimes we feel utterly vulnerable and alone. Some all it stupid, some call it insane, but I call it bridging the gap between heaven and earth. Something which may seem impossible to do, but is incredibly easy if you tried. After all, doesn't love defy all principles and common sense?

Don't you think you should take that chance - that one opportunity to feel completely alive - even though your heart may shatter in the end? I did, I lost, but I regained my sense of beauty, wonder, and creativity. You see, in the end, I actually won. I found the divinity in my humanity. I clearly saw that my ability to love beyond all obstacles, create beyond imagination, reason beyond the odds was being brought to perfection by Christ the Early Lover of All Souls. Indeed, love deifies all things. My journey to South Africa was worth it. I have no regrets. Thank you.

De profundis

Please, Lord, take pity on me for my heart is weak and I am fragile. I have fallen in love with him, and I was mistaken to think he loved me back.