Feeling utterly alone

 It's been more than ten years since that fateful day when everything in my life changed. Eleven years of my life wasted, due to a debilitating condition that has left me in poor health. Not only that, but I am now diabetic.

I've watched people I know and who once knew me become middle-aged adults, but I'm still stuck somehow in my late twenties/early thirties. Life somehow came to a standstill in 2012, and I haven't really progressed since, even perhaps taking retrogressive steps. Not much has happened in my life, save for returning to education (can you imagine, I'm still an undergad at my age! decent grades, but I'm stilll an undergad delaying graduation,!), hoping that it will equip me for when things might turn around in my life.

I haven't posted on this blog in years, and I suppose that because so many people have forgotten that I even exist or have tucked me away in some distant country, shoved in a closet, that probably nobody will read this. Nobody will ever notice. And I gather that because I am not worth noticing, I can say what I please on this blog. 

I feel like a prisoner in my own home, and I haven't really been out in years. You'd be surprised that I'm still in Northern California. I haven't seen anyone in years. I haven't really talked to anyone in years. Little by little, people I once knew just simply walked out of my life. Family members even turned away, and I just can't help that everyone would rather I just disappeared or died. I don't think anyone loves me. I don't think there will ever be love in my life. I just feel utterly alone in this world, and despite how much love I can give to the world, I feel as if it will never love me back. And I just wonder, why? Why is my existence such suffering and misery? I so desperately want to live, to have someone pay attention to me, because I've been so ignored by everyone else as if I'm not there. And even if I did get the attention, I'm a shadow of my former self. I have no face to show anyone, because I've been so humiliated and trampled upon that I have no pride or self-esteem. People would judge me and regard me now with such contempt, y'know. I have no confidence in myself anymore. I'm totally embarrassed by the way my life has been I'd like to do things with my life, go places, achieve, but realistically, I've been so ruined and damaged it would take a miracle to lift me up from the hell I'm in. 

Does God care? I don't know. It does feel like people mock the fact I still have faith in a loving God who cares. But I'm not sure now. I really do wish someone would love me. I really wish God could love me. I've had so little of it in my life. I don't have anyone in the world, not even my family. Even my parents have never given me the love and encouragement I needed during the lowest points in my life.

Because I'm not toxically unburdening myself on someone, because I'd hate to do that, I just might post more here about my sad, pathetic existence. 

Imagine, there is so much for others to gloat about as I struggle on, but I've learnt that compassion is rare, and to never expect it from anyone.