20 July 2013

Effectively silenced

At first I wanted to sort this blog out and begin anew. But what's the point if I lack the knowledge, the intelligence, and the skills?

I've decided to stop writing or speaking my mind. What else is there to say when others have me figured out? How can anyone take me seriously? I really have nothing to offer any of my readers but lies, false assertions, and fallacies. Some are out of ignorance, some are thoughtless or inconsiderate. Some are hastily said.

My words are literally dissected and torn apart. Other times, I find myself beaten by a grammatical yardstick. (Mind you, English is my native language.)  How some people speak, write, and reason with such exemplary grammar, logic, and rhetoric amaze me. I think I find myself more astonished not at the ability of others to reason well, but at my own stupidity, foolishness, and ignorance.

I find myself somehow always on the wrong page, prone to failure, or saying the wrong thing. It makes me question if I even deserve that freedom to speak when I'm still sorting my thoughts out.

I don't "know my shit". I don't have it all together. I can't cook or write to save my life, and I find that any attempt at doing so is meagre and lacklustre. I have no talent in doing so.

So what now? I've been on this vacation so long without any clear direction in my life. Any confidence I once had in myself has been lost. I'm not good for anything or for people. With what can I rebuild my life when I have nothing I can do well?

I can learn, but even with an education, I find myself too ready to disappoint. That is the truth. I apologize that I have proven myself unworthy of any task.

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